Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Strange Fish

Duh na duh nuh

Duh nah duh nah

Water has always fascinated and frightened me. So beautiful on the surface…yet…lurking beneath the delicate lip of a soft wave…


Yes…Diva stuck a toe in….waded…..and got the hell out of the water!

Let me start by letting you know that Philosophy has my head all screwy. We’re finishing up with Socrates and Plato….and if you know them two heathens….they will have you questioning everything under the sun….but with logic…and as Socrates said “The only thing I do know, is that I know nothing.”

Red Flag: Conversation with Wade was a challenge. I’m not being a snob at all when I say this…but the brother was dim. How many times can one say that they love the 70’s? Try 45….divide that by maybe 8 to 10 conversations? Too many times….at first it was cute…because I love the 70’s too…but to be in love with the style of dress and putting up hanging beads in bright garish colors? (Uhmm no)…and worse than that?

He didn’t laugh at my jokes…


Then I found out he didn’t get them…I would have to explain it and then he would laugh…I don’t have that much patience…

Red Flag: He was devastated when I made a remark about Maxwell cutting his hair. He couldn’t believe he had done it and spent about 5 minutes moaning about it. Strange…and you know what I mean

Red Flag: I couldn’t get any info. Like understand me…37, no kids, never married…hmmm…no degree, no car, hell not even a license….What you been doing with yourself? Never been nowhere…ain’t done nothing…for 37 years? He was very interested in my divorce…and although I don’t spill all…he had enough info…but I could hear the anger in his voice when he began to talk about his last girlfriend…UNRESOLVED ISSUES

The only thing I could find out was that he spent a lot of time working in some radical hiphop group called The Movement for Change…He couldn’t give me a straight answer about what they did…I googled them and came up with nothing (Yes I do investigate)..It disbanded sometime around 2002…right around the time he got wrapped up in the CCC…He seemed very impressionable…like when fish follow each other in schools?…Just following the leader? I kept getting that image… He said when the Movement broke up he was lost...but the CCC gave him direction....

The CCC brings me to the end of my little discourse on why he got dumped….

You see…with all of the faults above? I probably would have continued to see him….Cause my dumb ass said…”No he’s not stupid…or if he is I can work with that”..NOT…Brother kept talking about going to school for Word Processing…Who does that?

But attending his church was the icing….on the proverbial cake…

I go to his church last Friday…way out in west bumba(u know the rest) Brooklyn…in the rain…Diva DOWN!!! Church attire of course…There’s about 1000 people in this joint. He was real anal about sitting in the fifth row (he was convinced the pastor made eye contact with him). I knew I couldn’t get up there so I sat in the back. After it was over, I waited to try and find him…We were going bowling afterwards and a late dinner…and he was supposed to sleep on my couch…Ok… 1000 people file past me…No Fish…I look around and Fish is talking to a woman in the fifth row…

How long does it take for 1000 church people to leave? A long time….

So I said to myself “I’ma see how long this motherfucker is gonna take to look for me.” (Yes, I said that to myself in church)

I stood there for 10 minutes and this asshole never even glanced around. What? Are u kidding me? I went up behind him and tapped him on his shoulder…He seemed bewildered…I gave him all of 1 minute to stammer and neglect to introduce me to the woman…turned on my heel…and left the Fish standing there like I had received the Holy Ghost. I told yall I can move quick.

When I got into the lobby…with the ATM and Aquarium (Fish Ministry…funny ass joke…remind me to tell you)…I stopped and thought…Hey…maybe I’m being harsh…so I waited for him…Yes I deserve the “No you didn’t’s”…But I waited…And Fish came right out…so I figured I would tell him why I left him standing there when we reached my car. It wasn’t about the chick…I have plenty of male friends…the problem was…He didn’t even bother to look for me…that’s a no no

Fish spent the time walking to the car to try and explain…I kept silent…I didn’t want to cause a scene in front of church… We reach the corner and there are some women standing on my left…He gets animated and says “On that’s my friend Shirley”…turns to me and looking dead in my face says “Shirley, this is Kate”. My head whipped around so quick, my ponytail smacked the other woman in the face. “Excuse me?” He stammered again and couldn’t remember my name….I looked at the woman and said “Diva, nice to meet you” and kept walking. Kate was name of the woman he was just so engrossed with and Shirley had a nice knowing smile on her face that told me all I needed to know about this Sanctified Gigolo…I did remember the part when he said all softly … “I have a lot of friends at the CCC”…just didn’t put 2 and 2 together….

Silent to the car….driving was a different story. He said “You have an attitude problem”…Ok when I met you I told you my name was Diva….He obviously didn’t know what that meant. I proceeded to tell him six ways from Sunday that he was rude and inconsiderate and dropped him off at the nearest train station. I shouldn’t have…I should have left him in the rain…but I wanted to make sure that he heard everything I was holding.

So there’s been a couple of reconciliation attempts from him…he even admitted he was wrong…but honestly? If he could be that inconsiderate when I was coming to his church?…I could see myself waiting for him for hours somewhere…on a corner…in the rain…while he was having a conversation…Nah…Not gonna happen…

If he’s not showing me enough concern now? I ain’t waiting for later…

I threw that fish back into the ocean…Let someone else hook him.

I don’t play…If you don’t know …now you know…

Monday, September 26, 2005

Mixtape Mondays/Harlem Edition

Harlem's back. Well... I guess he never left. Our date was near perfect but alas it seemed as if we faded after "Katrina" (destructive biotch).

"Pride goest before the fall". I knew he was the shy type...but did I extend myself?


Well I got over that. I spoke first again.

and this time asked some questions.

to stuff I really wanted to know...

I got good I'm going to see him again.

*waiting for the WHAAATTTSSS??? to die down*

Oh that's right...Wade?...Hmmm...I'll tell you Wednesday.

For now here's a sample of a cd inspired by Harlem. Because?'s just so Harlem circa the 80's...At least as far I can remember...but's just a taste (wink)

1. Stetsasonic - Go Stetsa
2. Boogie Boys - A Fly Girl
3. Boogie Down Productions - South Bronx
4. BDP - The Bridge is Over
5. Boogie Down Productions - Criminal Minded
6. Boogie Down Productions - Superho
7. Audio Two - Audio Two - Top Billin'
8. Dana Dane - Cinderfella Dana Dane
9. Dana Dane - Nightmares
10. EPMD - So What Ya Sayin
11. EPMD - You Gots to Chill
12. Erik B and Rakim - Microphone Fiend
13. Eric B & Rakim - Paid in Full
14. Eric B & Rakim - Move the Crowd
15. Pete Rock and CL Smooth - Straighten It Out
16. Pete Rock & CL Smooth - They Reminisce Over You
17. Special Ed - I Got It Made
18. Special Ed - I'm The Magnificent
19. Nice and Smooth - Sometimes I Rhyme Slow
20. Nice N Smooth - Funky for You
21. Biz Markie - Vapors
22. Big Daddy Kane - Raw
24. Big Daddy Kane - Set It Off
25. Big Daddy Kane - I Get The Job Done
26. Das EFX - They Want EFX
27. Public Enemy - Fight The Power

Saturday, September 24, 2005

Keep that Chick in Check!

Wendy Williams's husband Kevin Hunter holds his chick in check!

On last night's VH1 Hip-Hop Honors red carpet, Wendy Williams' hubby saw red and huffed the gossipista out the door, putting her coverage of the event for her VH1 Show, "Wendy's Got the Heat," on ice.

A source on the scene reports that Wendy was on the red carpet with her camera crew recording for her VH1 show when her husband shoved through the crowd and demanded that she leave.

"Yo... we leaving now!" I can't believe this bullsh!t," Wendy's hubby, Kevin Hunter was heard yelling.

But Wendy was apparently moving to slow for her enraged 250 lb, 6ft boo, who then turned around and yelled, "Give him the mic and get your sh!t!! We're leaving now!" With that, the gossip queen picked up her stuff with the quickness and bounced.

Wendy's confused camera crew stood there not sure what to do next. "Oh... Kevin's mad because I think he had problems getting in," one of them was heard saying.
Thanks SOHH!!!

Friday, September 23, 2005

Mommie Dearest

I’m feeling productive today. So I shouldn’t be sitting in front of my laptop LOL

I want to talk about mothers. I have too many mothers in my life. My mommy, two grandmommies, a god-mommy, a church mommy and a mommy in law.

Jeez..that’s too much mothering for one person to have.

Do you know how much time needs to be invested in all these mothers? Think about when you don’t call your mother…or go see her? She has your behind for breakfast with a phone call at six in the morning out of the blue…alternating between cursing you out and moaning about why you don’t love her…And why the hell must they call you at the crack of dawn?

I use the excuse of school to make up for the once a week phone call…except to my own mommy of course lol.

But when you talk to your mommy…what do they want to hear?

Me: “Well, (insert mommy here) work is going well. The twins are fine. School is great. Do you want to hear about the last paper I wrote? I got a A-…I was mad but…”

(insert various mommy here) : “No…I want to hear about this man you dating”


Brain Scream: Nah man. I ain’t talking about him! I can’t yet…No info! Blah! I ain’t f-ing with yall…I know how u mommies do…Today he’s an Adonis in my eyes…after a phone call with you picking him apart… he’ll be worse than Leroy down the block. I know how all yall mommies get down.

Me: “Oh he’s nice.”


Today’s situation is about my mommy in law. I’m divorced but we still maintain a relationship. I have the only two grandchildren that she has known and I have made considerable effort to stay in touch with her. In fact, I have made more trips to take them to see her than her own son has. I love my grandmas…so I really want the twins to know theirs too. I mean the twins are really blessed to have them and great grandmothers to talk to.

My problem is she always wants me to spend the night when the twins do. I can’t do it. I don’t feel right. He’s remarried and I just feel like it would be insulting to the new wife. I also know I couldn’t stomach it. I would have to sleep either in his room, which still reeks of his acidic odor…or in the livingroom with pictures of Magilla Gorilla. Nah…I’m soooo good. Miss Rose wants pics of me too…But I didn’t want to make MG feel bad.

So today I had to tell Miss Rose again (at six oclock in the damn morning) …that I wasn’t going to spend the night. In six years I haven’t….why keep asking? And besides…the twins going to spend the night out is just great…a break for me. I know it may sound harsh…but sometimes even me and the twin divas need a break from each other. I don’t do sleepovers. Well…u know…

But now that her son has moved to Atlanta..... And she is here all alone, with just me about 40 miles away…I feel guilty…Like maybe I should be there for her. She has always loved me from day one. Begged for three years for us to reconcile….I feel a little bad.

But I have to be firm…No spending the night. But I will be in Brooklyn early again tomorrow to drive her shopping and to go to IHOP.

That’s enough…right? Yeesh...

Thursday, September 22, 2005

I want to thank you

heavenly Father
For shinin’ Your light on me
You sent me someone who really loves me
And not just my body
Alicia Myers

Yall know the rest…Sing it with me! That’s how I feel right now lol…it’s on the Wade inspired mixtape…Everybody gets one…and no I didn’t hear those words…lol…forget it…you know what I mean LMAO yall even click on my links?

Singles Ministry meeting tomorrow with Wade In the Water (WITHW)

I’m floating right now.

Remember when I said I get nervous when speaking in public? Today I gave 2 speeches. One on the PTA for 5 mins and one on a racially charged incident that occurred in my life for 3 mins. I approached the teacher beforehand and explained my phobia. He promised to understand.

I spoke. Spoke. And Spoke. I got nervous. Then I thought about blogging. And how it allowed to speak my mind in the exact manner of my thoughts. So I imagined yall were in the audience. And I told yall about why you need to be involved in the PTA’s where your children attend school or even where u may want your children to go. I told Xquizzty1 she needed to start looking Lol…Serenity 23 I was looking at you write down info LOL…I’m just kidding lol

Seriously, you need to be involved. I can’t stress it enough!

I also told yall about how I went a mostly white gifted school on Park Ave. We were reading “The Bluest Eye” by Toni Morrison. I was the only black kid in my 9th grade English class. My black teacher had the nerve to interrupt my daydreaming about Antione to ask me to tell the class how it felt to be called a nigger. I looked at that black woman like she was crazy. You the damn teacher…and a nigger your damn self! You tell this class of 20 white cherubs how it feels. How dare she put me on the spot like that!

You know what I said?

“Well, I have never been called one until today, in this class, by you. So give me a minute to process it and come back to me.”

Her jaw dropped to the floor. The whole class let out a collective “OOOOHHHHHH”. I was 14…but no damn dummy! She stammered and came up with some cockamamie story about herself. After class she apologized profusely. I imagine it was so that I wouldn’t complain. Hell I was just glad I got her ass back LOL

My Speech teacher said I was flawless. He said he had not one criticism for my speeches. He said I engaged everyone from the beginning. I made eye contact with just about every face. I was funny, entertaining, my gestures were on point and my subject matter was interesting.

All cause I thought I was talking to yall.

I just wanted to say thanks.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Wade in the Water

Missed me?

I missed yall…

Missed you so much I have an extra long post for ya!

It’s really personal…I’m warning you now.

Some big tings a gowon!!!!

"No thing, No money, No sin, No temptation I'm talkin' bout loving" - Unbreakable (A. Keys)

I promised to talk about Wade(Wade in the Water)(read the lyrics and you'll understand his nickname)…but don’t you want to hear about Brother Darkness in my favorite class? Or even how I lowered my Aries Ram's horns and spoke to Harlem first? My pride or should I say ego can be humongous at times.

Ok I’ll go with Wade. We met about three weeks ago…Matter of fact I wrote this post a week later…Confliction with Christianity. It’s actually pretty prophetic…you’ll see later in the post…I’ll remind you…

So.. Thursday night September 1st I went out with Sassywow to Flow's Thursday night…that’s a separate post too…She talked about it a little on her blog...Diva was a little scandalous...3 numbers in that spot intention of calling anybody…But I got a little extra tipsy…and went to my favorite club to dance it off.

I’ve said it before…I dance by myself majority of the time…I hate grinding…unless it’s with somebody I know. LOL Dance buddies…how funny… I might write about those in a “Back In The Day” post…

So I’m on the stage. I was enjoying myself yall..I love dancing up there…prevents men from approaching me LOL So a guy comes up to me and is very respectful in his request. The Ice Princess granted it (did you ever read this poem?) He began to talk to me and his voice is real soothing. Until he said he was a Pisces. Stop. Hold up. What did he just say? Pisces? Hell no! And I told him so. Right on the dance floor! I said, “Nice meeting you but it’s not gonna work.” He said, “Because I’m a Pisces?” Hell yeah cause you a damn Pisces! The guy I wrote the Ice Princess poem to for Valentine’s Day, brought me diamond and platinum earrings and disappeared. I kept the earrings LOL.

Now you guys know that I pay attention to signs. I can’t help it. I haven’t been wrong yet. BD? Aquarius just like my ex-husband. Too damn competitive. Harlem and Lion? Leos...Extra proud with fan clubs…they can’t help that women are drawn to them and I respect that. Men are drawn to this feisty Ram too. But still too much for me. Ego trippin. A Pisces? Hell No! Those fish are off the hook (pun intended). Seriously..I’ve been with them before. They quick to swim away. The Indian was a Pisces. He packed his bag so many times and came back, that I changed the locks on his butt.

So I tried to get away from Wade. He chased me. I spouted lines like “It’s not gonna work” and “We will not be together too long” and of course my standard, “Believe me, I know what I’m talking about”. He wouldn’t give up. We danced as I drank 2 bottles of water. Even danced to my favorite club song “Just Us”. He begged and pleaded. Finally, I was sober enough to drive all the way back up to Westchester at about 1am. Wade follows me to the door. He says “Can I please have your number so we could talk at least?”. I looked him dead in the eye and said, “ Are you in any type of relationship with a woman whether it be committed or uncommitted?” You have to understand, I don’t want any type of drama at all! None! He assured me he was completely single. Numbers were exchanged. And he lives too damn far!

A few days pass and he calls. I forgot what the brother even looked like. Well I knew he was at least cute. I have good taste most of the time when I choose dance partners at my club. I’m legendary LOL But I really couldn’t picture his face. 2 Sex in the Showers equal foggy brain. Added with fact I really wasn’t thinking about him. So we talked and discovered nice things about each other. He’s 37, single, lives alone, no children, and a working man. Things are looking bright. We continue to talk and discover we both are Christians going to church. Ok. Right. We both in the club but still claiming Jesus. I know it sounds crazy and ludacris…but seriously…I do believe in the “Straight and Narrow” dude. And the scripture says “Drink but be ye not a drunkard” so I’m good! LOL

Within a few calls sex is brought up and I made sure to let him know I wasn’t looking for a sexual relationship. Brother man took it a step further and said he was waiting till marriage to have sex.



I was floored. I mean this is what I said I wanted right? A relationship with a man without sex involved, ultimately leading to some type of serious relationship. Right? It’s one thing when you say it. It’s another when it’s looking you in the face.

He asked me could he come to my church. My church? I haven’t taken anyone there since my ex-husband. I’ve asked folks to come for various occasions but never really pursued it. But he was asking me and I was a little taken aback. I was raised in this church so believe me word would get around. (My grandfather called my grandma 4 times after service to tell on me, The church mother called her twice….LONG DISTANCE)

I said yes.

I figured what the heck? Public place. Granted I would have the twins but since I had already decided to date him, the twins could handle meeting one of my friends. They know that Mom has male friends, but they don’t see any forms of sexual contact or God forbid a man coming out of Mommy’s bedroom in the morning.

And this is what I wanted. Right? A man to spend time with me and my kids. And with me in church.

I also needed to see what he looked like LOL

Church begins and he’s not there. Ok. I’m cool. 20 mins later I feel eyes burning in my back. I turn around and Wade is sitting there. He was drop dead gorgeous. This was the man I been talking to for a week? Wow. Ok. Diva reached around and patted herself on the back LOL. Light bright, beautiful skin, dimples, and short black locks to the shoulder. He's half Cuban and half Black. Big beautiful brown eyes and grinning from ear to ear. He moved next to me and we enjoyed the morning sermon. Did I fail to mention that he went to his service at 8am first in Brooklyn and then came to my service at 12 in Harlem. Nice. After church he offered to pay for dinner in the church cafeteria. I was too shy. Yes me! I am very shy too. All eyes would have been on me and those bold enough would have come over and asked me questions. That I would have been unable to answer. Wade and I walked with the twins to the ice cream parlor and he bought all of us ice cream. Then we walked to the park, sat and talked. How’s that for a first date?

After talking for another week and a half, I decided to have him over for dinner.I know..I don't let anybody come over! Remember? I cleaned my big ass apartment from top to bottom. Spic and span. And locked up Puss in Boots. He is a very jealous cat and will try to scratch a man’s eyes out!

I made lasagna, a mixed salad, garlic bread and a double fudge glazed chocolate cake. Yeah I threw down in the kitchen. The twins were so sweet. Cleaned up the table afterwards and washed the dishes. He said “Oh your girls are so good!” I knew they wanted to hurry up and get to that cake! LOL Afterwards we sat on the couch and talked, played music on my computer (that I have hooked up to my stereo), and drank some Peach Chardonnay that he brought over. I burned him a cd (I’ll put it on DJ Diva Reviews). He wanted to dance with me but I was too shy. I tried but I was so nervous.

So there you have it. Wade in the Water. C says that I always look for faults right away so I have an excuse to run. I am a runner too. First sign of trouble and I’m flying down the opposite direction. My patience is very short and to be honest, lack of sex has my nerves shot. Very sensitive. I am also very closeted with my feelings and have serious will power over expressing my emotions.

I have found things in Wade that I tried to complain about, but in the end they have all turned into positives so I won’t even share them.

This Friday I’m heading over to his church for a Singles Ministry meeting. Apparently they are going to teach us how to date the Christian way. I sure hope they say we can at least kiss. I love kissing LOL. Saturday I’ll visit his home to watch some movies and hook up his surround sound LOL.

Wednesday I’m even going to choir practice for the first time. Bishop granted me permission before the summer and it scared me so much I couldn’t do it. But Wade affirmed with me that I must follow my heart and if it tells me to sing for Jesus? Then I must do so.

Remember at the beginning when I said that my post on Baldwin’s Confliction With Christianity would be relevant? Well it is. I’m in a spiritual battle now. Baldwin’s conflictions are exactly the same conflictions running all through me. It is amazing how my posts can be like prophecies….It feels like Jesus is saying “Here you go.” I’m thankful that I'm prepared for this period with Wade. My celibate summer taught me serious self control and we’ll become friends at the very least, if nothing else develops. But Lord Have Mercy I wanna jump this man LMAO. He’s offered for me to spend the night with him but I’m sure I'll have to decline. I don’t know if I can do it LOL

Of course I can! See…Confliction

I wasn’t looking for anything and I know I will be in a long struggle with this, but it’s time for me to face at least the possibility of a relationship. He wants me to understand that: “A man that findeth a wife, findeth a good thing." He’s stated his case and declared what he wants but it’s only been three weeks…so we’ll see. Don’t be surprised if I tell you later that he done disappeared…He is a Pisces after all…The currents may change and the Fish may change his course of swimming. Or I could be saying two big little words...who knows...

But for now this is nice.

Pray for me…

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Sex Is Bad Unless It’s With A Heathen

I haven't had time to write a post...but here is my paper for this week's Baldwin class.

I will be back to write about me going to church...and Wade going with me...Who's Wade? Stay tuned...and I'm happy to say he's coming over dinner 2morrow...He requested lasagna...I can't wait to cook it LOL

Sex Is Bad Unless It’s With A Heathen

In Baldwin’s Go Tell It On The Mountain, James Baldwin continuously describes the characters’ belief that any form of sexual contact outside of the marital bed is unforgivable. All forms of illegitimate sex are to be considered by the people in the novel as unrighteous and unholy. However, Baldwin also shows a degree of liberation when a Christian copulates with a freethinking person. Baldwin shows that these acts are can be celebratory and can provide momentary freedom from religious dogma.
The suspicion of sexuality is punishable. Two teenagers in the church, Elisha and Ella Mae, are brought before the congregation to be chastised. They were not caught in the act of wrongdoing, but the pastor of the church, Father James, feels it necessary to curb any signs of budding attraction. He believes that with their spending time alone will corrupt them and “they would surely sin a sin beyond all forgiveness”(16). The fraternization between the opposite sex is prohibited unless through marriage. The conflict that Baldwin shows through this scene shows that although there was no crime committed, there are harsh consequences associated with the feelings of attraction, and those accused must be condemned by the society in which they live.
Baldwin shows that masturbation or even a nocturnal emission is a sin in this novel. The protagonist John reveals this early in the story, while thinking about his personal onanism, Baldwin writes: “In spite of the saints, his mother and his father, the warnings he heard from his earliest beginnings, he had sinned with his hands a sin that was hard to forgive”(18). Although it is his personal gratification with no other parties involved, that John feels supreme guilt about committing this act. In this way, Baldwin portrays a natural activity of sexuality as wicked and untenable.
Within Gabriel’s narrative there is a conflict in this ideology of sexuality as a sinful act. As a married preacher, Gabriel commits adultery with a carnal woman who does not share his religious convictions. It is during this sexual act that Gabriel feels “locked together; locked away from all others, all heavenly or human help. Only they could help each other”(143). Gabriel feels a sense of liberation of his doctrine and responsibility by the commission of unlawful intercourse. Gabriel feels free from his belief and isolated with his paramour. Baldwin shows the conflict further when Gabriel thinks of his life with Deborah and “the joyless groaning of their marriage bed; and he hated her.” (133). The emotion Gabriel displays for the same activity with his wife is abhorrence, which is in sharp contrast to the feelings about sex with his mistress.
Baldwin highlights the Christian principle of unlawful sexuality as iniquitous throughout the novel. Sex in any fashion is reprehensible and unholy. However, Baldwin also shows a degree of liberation when a Christian is dealing with a non-believer. It is at these times when sex can be celebratory and can provide momentary freedom from religious dogma.

Thursday, September 08, 2005

Baldwin's Confliction With Christianity girl over there at No Bastard Kids....suggested that I post a coupla paragraphs of my paper that was due this week in my Baldwin class. I have said before that I'm a bibliophile and a logophile...I carry my dictionary and thesaurus to every class lol..

Anyway...Here's the first 3 paragraphs of my first Graduate paper. All of the formatting is erased and I really don't feel like putting it back in. Know that I tabbed correctly and of course the title was underlined in the actual paper lol (can someone teach me some HTML PLEASE!)

The Question: Discuss Baldwin's opinion of Christianity within the first half of the book. Is it a scam? Is it credible?

My answer? Baldwin isn't sure. But of course I had to put it in fancy terms..

In the first half of the novel Go Tell It On The Mountain by James Baldwin, it is evident that Baldwin wrestled with many quandaries in connection with Christianity. He is unconvinced, cynical and distrustful of the benefits of Christian living. Baldwin also questions the validity of piousness. The struggles of Baldwin’s characters show his own personal ideas about the obstacles with the choice of following a religious life. Baldwin is unable to prove or disprove the legitimacy of Christianity and as a result, he leaves that question unanswered.

Baldwin is skeptical of the benefits of Christianity and piety. This indecision is most prevalent in the thoughts of the main character of Part One. John is an adolescent, who is grappling with his emergence into manhood. While on a secret jaunt to a movie house, he watches a newsreel depicting the secular life. This causes him to contemplate “and struggle(d) to find a compromise between the way that led to life everlasting and the way that ended in the pit.” (43) Being raised in a church focused environment, his lifestyle is very limited and most of the typical teenage activities are prohibited by his faith and also his father. By revealing John’s internal sufferings, Baldwin is able to convey his idea of the agony of involved with the selection of a pious Christian lifestyle.

Baldwin understands that choosing a devout lifestyle requires faith in the unknown, which can be difficult. Baldwin’s protagonist John continuously yearns for concrete assistance in choosing his direction in life. “He longed for a light that would teach him, forever and forever, and beyond all question, the way to go” (89). It would be an easier choice to make if John could have something to help him make the decision and remove the doubt from his heart. In John’s desire for a tangible guide to remove all vacillation, Baldwin displays the hardship of complete belief and a human’s need to question.

Back to the blog

Did you make it through the first three paragraphs? Oh you like me...u really do !

Reading this book makes me think about my own indecision with church. I grew up in the same style of Holiness church lifestyle, broke away, and am now back again. But do I believe that to be born again you have to speak in tounges? No..and I wish they would stop trying to tarry over me at the alter. I almost feel like they want to me just speak in Spanish just to give the appearance of another tongue and everyone can stop worrying over my soul cause I'm not ASHAMAKAMALA BULAKA -ing. One woman told me in the bathroom that she gives out the Holy Ghost. I said,"Somebody can give it out?" She assured me that it was possible. I asked my grandmother and she said "Stay away from that woman...can't nobody hand out the Holy Ghost like it's free cheese at the pantry. I wish the Pastor would make her quit that mess." (Grandma is funny as hell). But she also questions my indecisiveness with Christianity and a pious lifestyle. Grandma says that if she were here...I would have it by now...But isn't that what the other woman thought? That she could give me the Holy Ghost?

I also can't shout worth a damn. It's like being in a club and not knowing any of the dance steps. It's horrible...I will admit...I tried to fake it...I had on snakeskin heels with a matching suit...and like the other shouters...really wanted to kick up my heels that day. I was feeling particularly happy...choir was sanging like Jesus was coming that day! Got my ass in the aisle and managed to give myself three bruises on the shin and poor little Taty got kicked too. My last attempt at shouting. I know I should practice. I used to watch my youngest aunt (I have 6) on Saturday nights .... put on her church clothes and practice her shouting in the mirror to make sure she looked cute and she had the steps down pat. Maybe that's why I never really believed in shouting either...

All I'm trying to say is that I am one conflicted individual...Like Baldwin...Go cop the book yall...It really is a great read.

-Literary Diva

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

I'm Buried Under Books

I wanted to do my specialty posts this week.

I really did.

But these classes I'm taking this semester are funnier and harder than I thought they would be... I fall asleep with a book in my hand every night lol

The Rational Animal aka Philosophy
All it's doing so far is making me question God. I thought I got through all that in my 20's..... I wanna be able to argue like Socrates... Plato and his damn dialogues...I'm eating it up all over again...But I'm pissed I had to take it again because all of my credits didn't transfer ..GRRRRRR

I took this because I have always had a fear of public speaking. I failed CT (Communications and Theater) twice in High School. I could not get up to make a speech. My legs would knock...My chest would tighten...sweat my Creme of Nature right the hell on out!..Pitiful..I still get nervous...and if I'm going to be standing before college students in September...teaching Freshman Comp...I have to get it together...My years of Karaoke have helped tremendously...

Representative Writers of The 20th Century
What the hell? Are we already categorizing 20th century lit...yes people we are....and from what I can tell...It's a mixture of poetry and prose... consisting of sorrow, confusion and rebellion...Lord Have Mercy LOL...If the finest professor in the college wasn't teaching it? I would not be submitting as eagerly as I am. Am I a English Lit groupie? Yes! (said proudly)...I have taken Prof Sexy Han(last letters omitted) 3 times...and can't wait to take him in Grad classes LOL...He's married to a wonderful professor who works at the school...but I have avoided taking her classes...Why ruin the fantasy?

And of course Baldwin...
which I am so makes the semester worthwhile..I am reading Go Tell It On The Mountain for the 5th time and still finding new ideas and thoughts. My first paper topic (due tomorrow) is :

Discuss Baldwin's opinion of Christianity within the first half of the book. Is it a scam? Is it credible?

Easy as banana pudding..

So dear readers (Stephen King does that and I love it lol) I cannot post as often as I would like...But I will post...sometimes twice a day when I can...But it probably won't be everyday until I get some vacation (we get a lotta time off in Oct lol)

-The Literary Diva lol

Monday, September 05, 2005

The End of a Celibate Summer?

It's Monday...Labor Day..I should be shouting with glee, patting myself on the back...all that jazz. Or maybe even laid back on my new couch with my legs up in the air celebrating the end of a long dry(wet?) summer. You may think I'm babbling...or maybe you've read those lines I dropped in among my posts. I'm actually in a rambling mood. My mind is scattered all over the country.

Last Night I was the DJ at a Dominican Party in NYC. You did know I was half Dominican right? Well if you read my father's name? My brothers' names? Yup I'se multicultural like collard greens con platanos on the same plate. I wrecked shop last night! I slammed the Merengue, Bachata, Salsa y Reggeaton. They ate it up. I have one of my playlists on DJ Diva Reviews . Check it out and expand your collection. I'm listening to it as I write this post lol.

Sorry for the detour. I had to get that out. I did say I would stick with the Mixtape Mondays...right?

This post should be submitted for Touchy Tuesdays...but the girls start school tomorrow...and Mommy Diva has class too. I don't think I'll be getting around to it. But I am ready for Worldwide Wednesday( Katrina around the world) and Twin Thursday. (the importance of the PTA).
(Look at me giving out coming attractions lol …Like I have a huge captive audience LOL)

Back to the post. I made the pact with some girlfriends around Memorial Day. We were looking at the state of affairs in our love lives and said, "Why don't we stay celibate this summer? That would be some shit right?"

Celibate-One who abstains from sexual intercourse

We made it. No sex all summer. I did have an argument yesterday with C. So I must also post the following definition (I love the dictionary lol)

Masturbation - Excitation of one's own genital organs, usually to orgasm, by manual contact or means other than sexual intercourse.

Other than” yes C...I made it too!

Damn I keep rambling...I had a wonderful time this summer. I went everywhere...Harlem Book Fair, concerts, swimming, picnicking, hiking, skating, bowling, movies, dinners, bars, clubs. (Damn I was busy)...
I DJ-ayed at 4 different events and critiqued others all summer lol

I hung out with who I wanted, when I wanted, whereI wanted...You get the point..

I did all of this without a boyfriend. Solo. It was great!

I was always in a relationship of some kind or another... all my life. Diva always showed up with eye candy or at least a tolerable individual. Back on Memorial Day when I made the "Shake It Off" phone call, I said to myself "Fuck It...I can do this...Sex is not that important. And I probably do it better myself" (I could be also saying that to make myself feel better)..

But looking back over this summer..I realize that I learned an even greater lesson. Take my time. Yeah..I know...the old folks always said that...And I did follow it. Most of the time. After the "Shake It Off", I said, “I'm going to take my time. Learn and watch. Listen and take notes.” I took my notebook with me everywhere this summer...and it wasn't just for my posts on my blog...or for writing down to do lists...It was also for my observations of the male character. I realized that I was naive after being in serial relationship mode and needed to go back to school so to speak. Everyone knows I love school right? (weird trait) So I went to man school. I'm not finished with all my classes..but here's my 20 bits so far (I love 20 Bits...I don't know why lol)..

20 Bits

1. Some of them are quite conceited (Brother Darkness)(yeah that was his real nickname...I was trying to be nice)
2. I must look at a man's health (Lion)
3. Kisses can be nice (Harlem)
4. Groping is not. (Tree)
5. You can learn alot by a person's interactions with other people (BD)
6. Desire fades quickly (Harlem) (me)
7. Pretty on the outside doesn't always reach the core (Lion)
8. Distance can be an issue. (Tree)
9.It really doesn't matter if they don't call (Harlem)
10. It really is annoying if they call too much (Tree)
11. Holding up your conversation is important(Tree)
12. Signs do matter (Tree),(BD)
13. Obsessiveness with appearance and not the home is a red flag. (Lion)
14. They really will try to play with your mind (BD)
15. You can sleep in a bed with a man and not do a thing (No.. I'm not telling)
16. You can learn alot from the people they hang around with (BD,Tree,Lion)
17. Spending time without the expectation of sex is really nice (all)
18. I love my own company. (me)
19. I'm not stressed as I would have been if I slept with any of them (me)
20. I'm keeping myself to myself a bit longer. (me)

There you have it. This was actually hard to write. Protecting identities and all. Trying to be nice. I created a new blog...haven't set it up yet. I might join my comrades over in the Bay.
I'm not angry with any of these guys. I'm just really happy that I didn't jump into bed and learn these kinds of things afterwards. I might be really mad right now...instead of optimistic about what's really in store for me. How many horror stories did I hear this summer? “this negro did that…this negro did this”..translated into “That negro got my coochie and now he acting like an ass”. That’s not going to be me. Why complain after you lay down with him? If you had waited…you would have a hint that he was like “this” or could be doing “that”. What is dating really? Isn’t it a selection process? When did it translate into I'm sleeping with you and next month, next year...I'll need to find your replacement? And who or what am I selecting? Another lover? Another boyfriend? Another husband? Is that what I want? I still don’t know so its just best to keep myself to myself. And until I'm sure... I won't be sharing my body...

Yeesh…this is longer than I wanted it to be. And I still have so much to say...about late night phone calls...and innuendos flying like bombs over Bahgdad.

Thanks for sticking all the way through it.

Saturday, September 03, 2005

Kanye West for President

"To be a Negro in this country and to be relatively conscious, is to be in a rage almost all the time." -James Baldwin

I'm in recovery from Hurricane Katrina. Yeah..I know...I am physically nowhere near the disaster, so why should I be affected? But as you can see in my posts below, this has been a hard week for me. All the following quotes in bold are by James Baldwin.

I am so proud of Kanye West. "Appearing two-thirds through the NBC Telethon program, he claimed “George Bush doesn’t care about black people” and said America is set up “to help the poor, the black people, the less well-off as slow as possible.”

I had this like/dislike thing for Kanye before. When I heard what he had to say about homosexuality and Sierra Leone, I said to myself, "This negro is really trying to make a name for himself." But I didn't think thatKanye really stood behind what he was saying. After Friday night's telethon (which I usually don't watch) for the Katrina victims, I have formed a new serious respect for him. Kanye didn't read no tele-prompter. He used the opportunity of being on live TV to really say what millions of Americans were feeling all week. The White American Government could give 2 shits about Blacks or those with a low income status. This includes their own fucking people.I'm cussing again....but I'm still pissed. Mr. West clearly articulated what many of us were shouting at the TV screens in our homes.

But in watching the media coverage, I see the reporters ask these white men who are in charge of FEMA, HHS, and Homeland Security: "Why did it take so long to get these people help and to evacuate them?" Mind you, there are over 100,000 people still stuck in New Orleans alone. Not to mention more people stuck in the projects. These assholes (politicians) have hemmed and hawed over who's responsibilty it was to organize and conduct the crisis. "Oh it's the state's it's the federal goverment's job." Who gives a fuck who's job it is? When you work at McDonald's (no dig here to anyone), which is one of the lowest paying jobs in the country...if you tell your supervisor, "Nah, I ain't cleaning up the fry station, I make burgers"...your ass would be fired! We need to fire these assholes. One particularly stupid official had the nerve to say "They didn't ask us in a timely fashion." Is he fucking kidding me? I'm in New York, no government job...hell I'm not even a meteorologist...but I knew those folks were gonna need help LAST SATURDAY before the hurricane even hit! They told these people to go here to the Dome...go here to the Convention Center....did they have anything waiting for them? No! Not a drop of water or an evacuation schedule. Maybe I should have asked them...Filled out the necessary paperwork my people could be saved. This is what Mayor Nagin had to say:

NAGIN: Well, did the tsunami victims request? Did it go through a formal process to request?

You know, did the Iraqi people request that we go in there? Did they ask us to go in there? What is more important

Ray Nagin is another black man who I have gained respect for. He flat out told them to get off their ASSES!!!! Please take the time to click on the link above and read the whole transcript.

Jesse Jackson took his ass down there. But what they didn't really want to tell you is that he took 7 buses...TO PICK UP STUDENTS FROM XAVIER UNIVERSITY. (which has a 17% minority population) "Jackson headed into New Orleans with state Sen. Cleo Fields and three buses to move 450 students from Xavier University to safer locations outside the city." He stopped over by I90. Talked to the peoples...Looked real mad and pitiful...then left. How in the hell did Jesse get to these people on I90 but our government couldn't? I bash celebrities often on my blog. I have time on my hands and an active imagination. But give me a break! If Oprah could give out cars on her to Africa and donate all this money...where the fuck was she with 20 buses? Or her private jets? 7 buses Jesse??? Hell...I want to jump in my car and rescue some of those folks myself!

"The power of the white world is threatened whenever a black man refuses to accept the white world's definitions."

The media coverage has got me inscensed. Refugees? That's what they're calling our fellow Americans? Let me give you the three standard definitions of a refugee:

1. One who flees in search of refuge, as in times of war, political oppression, or religious persecution.

2. An exile who flees for safety

3. An individual who has left his or her native country and is unwilling or unable to return to it because of persecution or fear of persecution (as because of race, religion, membership in a particular social group, or political opinion)

These people aren't refugees. they haven't fled to another country because someone was persecuting them. They are victims of a natural disaster. Or that's what I first thought. I now realize that the media is correct. These people are the victims of racist, indifferent government who cares more about everyone else but the people who helped build this country. Remember when Clinton said that "We have no interest in Rwanda"? It looks like they have no interest in Black Americans either. If anything...everyone with a dark shade of skin color or a low economic status is a refugee. We as Black Americans, have been refugees since we were stolen and brought to this country.

I am hereby claiming refugee status. And I may need to seek asylum somewhere else.

I'm taking a Graduate class this semester on James Baldwin. Almost 60 years he correctly classified himself as refugee: disgusted with America's racial injustice, he left in 1948 for Paris, where he lived in poverty for eight years. He exiled himself. He also returned to participate in the Civil Rights Movement.As I continue through this semester, I shall continue to quote Baldwin and other writers who are in my field of study. But I can tell you that being educated does not make me feel any better.

"The paradox of education is precisely this - that as one begins to become conscious, one begins to examine the society in which he is being educated. "

and understanding this...I agree with Baldwin when he said...

"American history is longer, larger, more various, more beautiful, and more terrible than anything anyone has ever said about it. "

History is repeating itself.

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Thursday, September 01, 2005

I'm Hurtin', I'm Sad and I'm Mad

I'm fucking heated. I'm watching them let my people die down there in New Orleans and I want to hurt somebody. The people are dying down there and this fucking government is letting them suffer. I don't talk alot about race and heavy topics like that. Anything I say could be misinterpreted by anyone. That's why I love writing. What's said is on paper.

But this has elevated my stress like crazy. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I can't focus in class. I had to write it out to even stop thinking about it. I was chatting with Grayse yesterday. We agreed that now is the time when we need our troops home. Who better to help out in an emergency like this? The young and able men of our country. Who are dying over there in Iraq. It's so retarded. I mean, what's really going on here? Right Spike? I can't seem to stop talking about it. Sassywow and I have been on constant IM. Even my baby Bro and I watch the news together in our respective homes..I'm stressed out.

I wanna do something. I have nothing but my prayers and a budgeted donation. My hands feel so tied. My people are dying and I can't help. I can write about how angry I was when I saw the difference between the captions as Fresh pointed out in Crunk. I mean really...Everybody would be going to grab some sustenance. I don't know about the brother carrying the TV...or the woman with the shopping cart full of purses that I saw on CNN. But why White folks "find" and Black folks "loot". It makes me so angry. Why are my people stuck in their projects...gathered in the streets...and all they want to show me are some fools running into Walmart?
Finally, I'm seeing them show images from the Convention Center. The government ain't got shit to say so far about those people. There are some good things going on with San Antonio opening up their Dome. But who wants to live in a football dome for months? We have a real crisis on our hands. And I'm scared. I read blogs about people who have had to double up their homes, like Serenity 23 and I feel for them. I wept and prayed for those that couldn't be found like Nikki and Diggs. And I shouted with joy when they were reported safe. I have begun to love my blog family. Lord, I can even fathom how Jamal and EJ must feel. And all the others that I don't even know about.

This hurts. And I hurt for all of you. I just wanted to write that. And I'm so sad. And very Mad!

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