Total Disclosure

"I love that the two of you are so open and unguarded with each other, and trust automatically. So many peeps are distrustful up front, and hold back. But I firmly believe that the best kind of love is that love that is deep and hard right at the start. At first, you find the wrong ones and end up hurt, but you only have to find the right one once." -Prod Sun (6/06)



She paced in front of the brightly lit screen. Her stomach churned and she thought about the humongous move she was about to make. One that she could never turn back from. A move that would change her relationship forever. A pause in her gait, she stopped to think of what had lead her to this point. Was it a look in his eye? Was it the late nights? How about the times he was unreachable? She shook her head. All of those things sparked the curiosity that burned in her heart, but it was ultimately his tones and speech patterns that lead her to believe something was different. The way he had been speaking to her lately, as if she was no longer Aphrodite or Venus on the half shell. No, instead now he spoke to her as if she was an afterthought, a burden, a chore. Something was going on and she was going to find out.

She sat down, remembered the clicks and hand motions he used when logging into his computer, and pressed in the 7 characters slowly. As she pressed enter, she knew that what she was looking for …she would find. She always did.

This may or may not be a fictional tale. For some of you, it may sound eerily like something you have been through before. I know I have been through it and I can admit that it was one of the darkest periods of my life.

I once read on someone’s blog (I think it was DP) that a cell phone could be one of the major causes of a relationship’s demise. He took it on the premise that person should always be accessible and this can cause problems. I took it a different way. As a form of communication that could easily turn illicit. How many of us have looked at our partner’s cell phones with the crooked eye? Or maybe like me, at one dark period in my life, listened for the tones of a password. When in a committed relationship is there really a need for all that secrecy?

What Scribe and I have done is somewhat unprecedented in my life. Total disclosure.

Huh Diva? What you mean?

I mean remember when I couldn’t get a firm grip on Wade in the Water’s life history. Blackout periods? Or even Exotic who didn’t want to share any information on his past dating history.

Well Scribe decided to give me a complete timeline containing his life’s events. Wasn’t cause I asked for it. Or even hinted at it. He wants to make sure that I am comfortable with everything that he has told me and that no skeletons will bust up out of any closets. I appreciate that. Very much. My life is pretty much an open book. I rarely lie about anything because I am ashamed of nothing. If Scribe were to ask me what I was doing and who I was with during the summer of 1994, I could give him a complete dossier including address and zip code. Scribe is just as open.

There are no cloak and dagger games. I don’t hide my cellphone or even have a password to use to check my messages from the phone. And this is not because men don’t call me. They do. There’s not a month that goes by that I don’t hear from the “Hello It’s Me” N*ggas. Last month was the Lion, this month the Soldier. But the difference is…when they call? I tell him. I don’t have anything to hide. When I came to Scribe, I was free of entanglements. There were no stragglers hanging around. It was the same with him. The old adage “Everybody has a least one “friend” hanging around”…did not apply to us. Prior to meeting each other we had cleared our slates completely clean. Two people of the same mind. That’s a wonderful thing.

Our financial lives have also been disclosed and plans made for the move to Memphis. Plans which will take effect very soon. But that’s another story.

But we have taken it a step further. Well he did first.

As writers and internet junkies, we both have a pretty active online life. I know that may sound weird….but I consider most of yall my friends…I probably talk to a lot of you via email and IM…you have heard about my life for the almost the last 2 years….my achievements and disappointments…and I have been just as engrossed with yours.

Imagine my surprise when Scribe said “Here’s the passwords to all my accounts.”

At first I was like “Hale No, he aint getting mine.” Then I thought about why I was so reluctant. I can be a hoarder…for no reason at all other than sometimes I need stuff from the past. But emails and other junk from past men I don’t need. I don’t need to be reminded of what was said and done. But for some reason I kept them. All. I had emails from 2002…that’s how bad it was…That was the main reason I was hesitant…. the fact that I didn’t want anyone looking at that stuff yet I didn’t know if I should get rid of it.

I solved that problem. I went through my 4000+ emails and erased everything. From the “I want you backs” to the “you’re a real bitch(es)”. I got rid of all the messages and saved files in the archives. I purged my email of all past Negroes who I know for a fact I will never ever want to be with again (Why when I have the best man God could send me?) After the disposal was over, I felt so free. I didn’t need to hang on to all of that mess. It should have been gone a long time ago! After I did it, I called Scribe and told him what I had done. He was so great about it. Surprised at first, he assured me that it wasn’t necessary, but in the end we both agreed that it was a great move. Although he didn’t say it, I’m sure he did the same before he gave me his.

And you know what? Having his password has actually been useful a couple of times.

There is no guile with Scribe. The things that have happened to me….have happened to him. A little more extreme in his case…but we have been through the same things and have the same reactions. I know that I won’t have to guess about what’s going on with him. Having been there, he wants to make sure that we are both comfortable and secure.
I hope that all made sense.

You know…this trust thing is great.

America's Next Top Stepdad...

Introducing………

Scribe and DJ Diva…the blogosphere’s latest couple!


Aren’t we cute???????????


For those on my email list who have received the webpage (alovesupreme) I will be posting only those pictures. I did take pictures in my bikini, however I will defer to the wishes of my man and those will be viewed only by him on his screensaver slideshow on his personal laptop LOL….I will say that Damn I look good!!!!…..And I know that a certain hater saw half of it…and considering the cockblocking he tried to pull in Orlando….he’s lucky he didn’t get slapped!

Is Diva gonna have to a slap a bitch n*gga? (Wayne Brady quote)

Stay tuned….

So I missed my flight and cried. I was determined to get down to Orlando on Wednesday. I could hear the longing in my baby’s voice and his sadness that I missed my flight. But Diva and Scribe would not be denied….I caught a later flight and arrived safely into my baby’s arms.

What a weekend…

I spent most of my time like this:

Relaxing and sunning myself by the pool….Scribe understood that we couldn’t go to Disney or Universal or even Sea World. I was firm in my stance that I would not be going without the twins…I want to experience that with them (and him) on their birthday in September…and let me tell you…the twins are very smart…they knew I was going to Florida…and when I came back Ra-Ra asked all sweetly, “Mommy, have you ever been to Disney World?” What she really meant was “B*tch, did you go without us????”…

Just kidding….but I was able to look them in the eye and tell them no…there are no pictures that they will see later like “our mommy dissed us!”


Scribe is absolutely the best boyfriend I could ask for. I spent my time pampered and adored. Although he was helping to facilitate the conference, he came back to the room often- to check on me, bring me food and other items, to tell me he loved me and for kisses and hugs which he said made him shine even more. That man is so brilliant. I watched him work and he managed to complete all he was asked to do in record time. And when the other brothers on the trip slacked up? He finished their work too. I don’t know how any of them kept their jobs with my baby doing all of the work. But that’s ok, because I know for a fact that all of his hard work was appreciated and acknowledged by those in power. And what more could we ask for?

Yeah, we. I am in love. It’s official. It’s been official for some time but I am saying it out loud for yall. At 33, if I don’t know what I am looking for in a mate, I need not date at all. Scribe does it for me. I’m so totally done. Often I would date someone and say “Well, I wish he was sweeter.” Or “I wish he was packing” (more often than not)…or even better “I wish he wasn’t so cheap, dumb, or wack!”. Scribe has it all! He knows what he needs…and knows I am the one to supply all of that. Even when encouraged by the HATER to do something behind my back, Scribe responded with “Hell no! Man have you seen my girl? I’m going upstairs RIGHT NOW!”…..What a man.

All of the family furor has died down and they are content to let us continue to fall deeper in love. Yeah it’s only been 6 weeks…but there will be a wedding next year (unless he does something totally crazy which I know he won’t do and I ‘m not telling yall something behind his back because I said the exact same thing to his face!).

I am sorry that I haven’t been blogging that much…and I did have a post done on Tuesday…but Blogger ate my post. Such a common occurrence that I will be changing to my own dot com. I know I have said it before…but Scribe and I will be working on my web design (since Prod Sun is so busy falling in love with Harlem and Fresh just don’t care about regular bloggers LOL). It’s called thedjdiva.com and will feature radio blogs like I used to do. This man inspires me to want to do more with my talents. He praises me constantly and I know he means every word. Like newborn babies, we are fascinated by every aspect of each other.

While I was taking these pictures, he egged me on like my biggest fan…and he’s the only member of that club. America’s Next Top Model watch out! This was taken in just one take!

Which brings me to a funny story. Since the twins met Scribe, they are crazy about him! LOL Everyday they request his presence. They ask questions about him and when I’m on the phone with him (all the time lol) they want to speak too. They began talking about him...and how he's funny, makes crazy faces at them...and treats them very well...I said "Well he is definetely the only candidate in the running to becoming America's Next Top Stepdad!" All three of us died laughing right there in the street!

Yesterday we were buying Father’s Day cards for everybody and of course they wanted to get him one too. We got him a funny one from the cat….I must scan that and let yall see it. The cat on the cover looks just like Tyrone and is similar to his Cat Blogging episode. So as we all walk to the counter, Ra-Ra asks when will Scribe live with us. I told her that he has to ask me to marry him first. She promptly told me to ask him. Which made the eyebrows of everyone on line go up and they all seemed to wait with baited breath for my response. I told her that I won’t be asking him…that asking was his job and he had to get mommy a ring. She seemed satisfied with the answer and from the nods from the people around us…I knew that I hit it on the nose. One old lady said, “I wish more young women taught their daughters that!” When we got home, Thomas was waiting for us on the stoop (in a fly ass suit…my baby can dress yall!). When we got into the house where I had begun an evening of fine cuisine consisting of Curry chicken, rice, seasoned green beans, a tossed salad and breadsticks, Ra-Ra went and got a old velvet ring box and handed it to Scribe. I burst out laughing. He took it from her with a perplexed look on his face. I quickly explained our earlier conversation…and he laughed too. He bent down and told my baby that he would be filling that box really soon. Ra-Ra smiled the biggest grin and went to tell her sister. We are taking them to Rye Playland this weekend and they’ll look so cute with their new outfits and new Nikes that Scribe bought them on Monday (yeah…he paid for my trip and turned around and on his first day back…bought my children brand new sneakers just because). Let me stop before yall think I’m bragging….But I do want to brag on him…he deserves it…he’s a wonderful man!

I couldn’t be happier right now.

Him too.

N*gga Moment #48

One more day ‘til Orlando and my Scribe!

Scribe says that maybe yall are tired of reading about our sappy sweet love affair. I said …well I won’t say what I said…but he may be right.

Last night, I was multi-tasking as I normally do and I sent one of my neighborhood teenagers to Panchito’s (Yes I’m shouting them out!). I like Panchito’s food. It’s a Mexican Restaurant but their food is closer to Dominican to me. In either case, I’ve liked them since I was introduced to them 5 years ago. So I send the girl to get an order of Stewed Chicken, Rice and Beans. It’s only $7 and covers me and the twins. And of course I get the toasted bread for a dollar. So she comes back with my food from Panchito’s and there is only one container of rice with about 3 pieces of chicken on top. She says “They made me pay an extra dollar for the 3rd piece, Ms. Diva”.

I was like Hell no! There is supposed to be one container of chicken and one of rice. So I call Panchito’s and discuss it with the man who served my little runner. I first made sure that he could speak English…cause you never can tell if they understand you sometimes. They’ll keep saying “yes, yes” when really they don’t have a clue! So I speak calmly to the guy and he’s like “Oh, I’m sorry…send her back we’ll change it.” My runner goes and comes back…same freaking food in the single container.

Ok… so now I’m pissed off and starving. Anyone who knows me…knows a hungry Diva…is a Diva not to mess with! So now I have to go outside and get what I wanted…This takes away from my packing time…So I’m even more pissed.

As I’m walking to Panchito’s…my cell rings. I don’t recognize the number so I bark into the phone. If I don’t know your number… well then you probably somebody who don’t need to be calling me. But it was my Scribe calling on a different line. He hadn’t heard my barking before…he only knows my purrs…so it was a little different for him. But he should know that I’m trustworthy LOL…I mean I didn’t pick up the phone with a sweet voice like who is this.

I get there and this idiot who said he was going to give me the correct order…. actually wants to argue with me. In the words of the Boondocks …I had a “n*gga moment”. Yall have to understand that I was very hungry and pissed off LOL. My voice got loud and I demanded my order or my money. They tried to argue with me…but I was an angry, hungry, black Diva, whose hair was standing up on her head under a scarf. After a few heated exchanges, and an extra $1…I finally got what I wanted.

My question is why it had to get that far? I knew that the main reason was that they didn’t respect the teenager that I sent to get the food. Instead of giving her what she asked for, they gave her what they wanted to. And they further disrespected her and me when I called and they still gave her the same food. Like shoo away, you little fly. Like because they are dealing with a little black child, they can treat her insignificantly and give her what they wanted. I know this is how she felt because when I looked at her face, she was sad and crestfallen at her experience with these grown Mexican people.

The question becomes…will I ever use them again? I can’t say never….but I will say this…Caridad cooks just as well and they deliver. Why pay extra for rude service? That would make me stupid…and I’m certainly not that. My little $14 a month will probably not make a difference to Panchito’s…but you can’t put a price on loyalty …and they just lost a loyal customer..

Scribe's Takeover

Ok...it's been a month since Scribe and I met. I was going to write my update last night but I found out he had done it already on his blog. His update is so sincere...and I know he means it....I'ma post it on mine because...well because I want to LOL....

Scribe is the kind of man I wanted....

Fly you for free down to Florida because he can't do without you-Man

The wake you up early just he can snuggle with you- Man

Go to store and get everything you need just as you asked for it-Man

Doesn't want to come over late at night through the backdoor in my bedroom but would rather come at a decent hour to be of some assistance when I get home from a 9 hour workday and a 3 hour commute and have to do a million things with the children-Man

Gives you money to keep in your house in case you need anything- Man

Is never afraid to express himself-Man

I could go on and on...but I'm sure that maybe Ms. Tee knows what I mean...or maybe The Muse...Jamie has one of those type of men....and I'm sure Sarcasstik and DP are those types of men.

It may be early...I understand that....It's only been 6 months since the twins were last in contact with a man I was involved with...and that was totally my fault. But before that? 2 years...Believe me...they were wondering if something was wrong with their mommy LOL....

Bottom line is I'm a package deal. One of the things that made me break-up with Raw for good was the twins expressing themselves that Raw was there for me and not for them...That hurt. As a result, I did not introduce them to anyone who I didn't feel was worthy. The Lion never met my kids. Honey was able to be around them because he had past experience. Ok so we just went back over 5 years of my life.

Scribe wants the package...not just the milk. And from what he has told me about his marriage...I know that it's not hard for him to accept the fact that I have two children. Shoot he was raising 4. And none were his.

Now I am seeing Scribe....and I don't plan on stopping. This is causing alarm. It can't be helped now. But when I come back from Orlando...it will all be stopped...I am nipping all kinds of mess in the bud...

When you read this man's words....please know that I have heard them straight from his lips...and I have seen them in his actions...therein lies the difference...

Here's the Scribe takeover:

Alone in Orlando

Just got into Orlando today, woke up this morning dreading my flight (which my ears are still recovering from.).. I’m not afraid of flying, I just didn’t want to leave Diva and the kids. I feel like I just got a little closer to the kids (one of them told me they didn’t want me to leave…it took everything in me not to break down…I’m kinda sensitive when it come to love from kids…), she and I have been enjoying the hell out of each other, and now I’m leaving them all for a week. That sucks. But Diva will be here on Wednesday (YES!!!). In the cab ride to the airport I broke down and cried. I feel like my life really is moving forward at a pace I have not experienced before. I feel like I’m progressing in my life in a way I have not experienced. You ever felt something so good you never wanted it to end. And it made you feel, stronger, happier, and frightened all at the same time? That’s my life right now. It feels so good.

I took a stand at my other job just to make it to this conference. The Harlem foster care agency where I work implements a system of usury on its employees. It’s the kind of place that you could work 20 years for and be lucky if you got a certificate of recognition. Sometimes you have to make choices. Basically, they will bleed you until you have nothing left. The choice I made to come here came at a little bit of a price. But I’m willing to pay that price because the opportunities that may arise from this conference offer a great return. So I’m praying I’m able to network with the right people. At the very least I want my boss/mentor/friend to be proud of the job we did as a team in making this conference successful.

Diva prayed with me before I left. She prayed for my safety. She prayed for my success. Now I want to pray for her:

Lord please protect my baby. Please keep her in your loving hands. Please protect the twins and keep them secure. Please keep her secure in my love. Please deliver her safely to me here in Florida.

I have to do something to impress on Diva’s family that I am not a typical negro. At the same time, I want them to know that I am not here to take from Diva. I am not here to hurt Diva. I am not with her to gain access to her insight. I’m here because she treats me like a man should be treated. I know its early, but I really want them to see the level of dedication I have for this family. For a man who values love and family as much as I do, I fight the urge to scream…CAN’T YOU SEE HOW MUCH I LOVE THIS WOMAN AND HER FAMILY!!! But of course, they can’t, because, in truth, they don’t know me.

She and I believe that time will be our best friend... I’m praying that it will be theirs too. I have to break the habit of believing that people trust as easily as I do. It really doesn’t happen like that with most people. My problem is that I get pissed when someone takes me as disingenuous. I’m 33. The days of me running around conquering as much pussy as I can are o-v-e-r. I want one woman to dedicate my time, effort and love to.

You know her as DJ Diva, for me she so much more than that. To me, she represents promise, prayers answered, the upliftment of my spirit….please….I could go on for paragraphs. Lord, please impress upon Diva’s friends and family…

I am not…

Shiftless, scandalous, or trifling. I am not typical, lazy, bitter, judgmental, or a liar. I am not a cheater, wife-beater, or possessive (um…hold up….nigga, if you holla at my girl on some “can we talk” shit…I’ll fuck you up…straight music.) Nope. Not playing.

I am…

A strong black man, god fearing, in need of lots of love, dedicated to working, dedicated to Diva and family, sensitive to being misjudged, loving, kind, considerate, not perfect.

Back to the conference…….We set up tomorrow…lots of work to do. Tuesday the students arrive, my man is greeting them. He’s open about that...he plans to slay a whole campus full of women before we leave here….

Me?....I’m just looking forward to Wednesday!.....: )

(I'm looking forward to Wednesday too baby!)

Davey made me!

Ok it's meme time....David Parrish made me do it!

1.If you could be doing what you really want to be doing for a living, what would it be?
Laying in a hammock, on a beach…getting paid to read….

2. If you could slap the shit out of any famous person, alive or dead, who would it be?
Adam for letting Eve talk to a snake…Keep your eye on your woman!

3. What's the dumbest decision you've made in the past 5 years?
Going back to Raw after I broke up with him

4. Give up one for a year: (good) sex or (good) music.
Are you kidding me? I'm a DJ... Sex would have to go…Oh Wait...uhmmm...I changed my mind on that due to changes in my uhmmm....the music would have to go....

5. Dudes, would you rather have a big dick or a great sense of humor?
I ain’t a dude…but having a small dick ain’t hardly funny….I’ll take the “Big Dick” for 2 hunnert, Alex!

6. So you've been invited to an all expense paid Blogger Prom in The Bahamas. You're sitting at the bar on the beach. Which blogger do you want to join you for hours of good convo?

Of course Scribe….L Bigga, DP and Ejizzle would have to complete the quartet…yeah…the rest of yall too… S 23 and Leezie and Sylvia and Grayse and Jaimie and RPM and Sharon and Chosen and Dang Leon would probably make me pee on myself…I love all my blogrollers

7. Which blogger would you most like to cuddle with on the beach? (and don't defer to your current signif other either. Infidelity won't count against you. Duh.)
Again…Scribe…I have a thing for Geminis…Maybe it’s the whole twin thing

8. You're going on a 5 hour road trip...which 5 CDs do you bring?
The ‘Symbol” Album- Prince
Best of Prince- Prince
Epiphany – Chaka Khan
Maroon 5
Best of Sting

9. Would you rather bury your children young or have your children bury you young?
Please….I couldn’t bury the twins…and don’t make me think about it!

10. What's your biggest insecurity?
That I will never be smart enough to do whatever…

11.What's the first blog you read every day...or however often you read them? (And I swear to God, don't be saying mine just cuz I'm the one asking...unless of course you really mean it. lol)
Mine….I’m a narcissist…I love my own work…

12. When's the last time you peed your pants?
Last year…I couldn’t get the key in the door quick enough…and a little came out...2 Sex in the Showers are really my limit

13. Which was better, your first kiss or your first pay check?
First paycheck…Carl…my first real kisser…slobbered me down like a basset hound…ick…I hate slobber…

14. Do you have kids? Want kids?
The twin terrors…and one more in a couple of years…well hopefully one more…I shoot doubles…

15. You get dropped off at home after the office holiday party by your bitch azz boss that you can't effing stand...you exit the car and he peels out, runs a red light at your corner and rolls up an unsuspecting midget. The next day the midget watch groups are on TV outraged at the heartless hit and run, and are calling for any witnesses to please come fwd...that half dead midget has a family at home waiting on C-mas presents. Would you take $1000 hush money? $500? $100? A six pack?
Ima runtelldat

16. Live the rest of your life without your eyebrows or your fingernails?
I can paint a pretty nice curve…my nails please

17. What makes you angry?
Liars
Thieves
Cheaters

18. What makes you horny?
Thoughts of Scribe
Drops of dimes
Wind blowing

19. What makes you nervous?
Traffic
The twins in swings
My mother

20. What makes you smile?
My girls
My Scribe
My God

Tag you're it (But you don't really have to do it)

Sylvia
Unforgiving
Chosen
Sharon
Gentleman 101

I Still Love Her

“I think we blog because we want someone to listen to us. Like we have things to say but no one to listen to them. Or even we have things to say that we have said before yet we wish to tell the story again. Once you find someone who listens to everything…the need to blog frequently changes.”

That was something I said to Scribe on Sunday. I started blogging almost two years ago. It was suggested by someone who used to listen to me but didn’t have the time anymore so I was introduced to Blogspot as a substitute. No, it wasn’t actually said that way…but now in retrospect, I realize that was a nice way of shutting me up.

There have been times before when I have stifled. When people would look at me strange for blurting out “fun facts” as I call them. Often I have been called a know-it-all….or as Leelee affectionately calls me “The Oracle”. When she says it…it don’t bother me…because she’s a Doctor…so we already know she’s brilliant. But my whole life I have been labeled “the smart one”, “the nerd’, even a snob.

And it’s true to some degree. There are times when I know I should step back and let someone else explain something. And I don’t. Or when I should stop parrying with my words when I know the opponent can’t keep up. But I don’t. Heck there are probably times when I should just shut up. But I can’t.

As a result, sometimes I turn into a bit of a recluse. I don’t call my friends and family as often as I should. And because I pour out anything interesting that I want to say onto this blog…I don’t feel like I should have to repeat stories over and over. I have a large family. To tell everyone about Scribe and my plans and the kids and oh just this that and the other thing…it would take me all month to tell one story. So I don’t bother.

But then I do pour out pure thought onto this page. Sometimes I think about the feelings of the people I occasionally reference. Most of the time I don’t. I say exactly how I feel and what my innermost personal opinions are on every matter. I would say 90% of the time…I focus solely on myself and how I want to change myself to be a better person. I was raised with strict morals. I rebelled quite a bit…but in the event of some life altering decision…I always end up coming back to my upbringing.

Somehow I am losing where I’m going with this but stay with me.

Currently, I am not speaking to my best friend in the whole world. I have talked about our escapades before. Cried about her moving away. Rejoiced in her successes. But because I voiced my opinion about one particular choice (which she asked for advice), she is hurt and angry. However, I will admit I did it in a sneaky way. I couldn’t seem to get through to her on the phone. I tried my best to get her to see reason in the situation she was facing and the consequences. I couldn’t get through to her. What I ended up doing was thinking about what was really her decision and decided I would blog about what I would do if I were in her shoes. The situation she faced was one that I faced a couple of times. Sometimes I made the right choice. Most times I didn’t. And those times that I chose wrong….well they ended up hurting me. I kinda wanted her to avoid that. I also wanted to make an affirmation that I wouldn’t do that particular thing again and save myself time, trouble and hurt.

Matthew 7:5
Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother's eye.

How could I say anything to her if I didn’t first change myself? I had already somewhat changed but it was important to me to do as I have been doing for the past year and ….blog it, put it down on paper…and live up to what I stated I was going to do. This may not always work…and I could be called a hypocrite for all of the times I said I would leave the Lion alone and I didn’t…But I was determined that I would have to change…and then she would see I was right.

Well she took that blog piece as a condemnation on her life. Although simple emails escalated into a full fledged grudge, I thought after 2 months we would be able to reconcile. After all, we have been friends for a quarter of a century.

Nope…she still mad.

It strikes me as strange somewhat…considering she had never been one to bite her tongue to me. How when she would voice her opinions, whether I wanted to listen to them or not, I would listen or fight back…but never give up on her. I knew that sometimes she was right and just as often she was wrong…but the bottom line was she loved me. I knew that it was never done out of malice although sometimes it cut to the quick.

The sad part is that she thinks that’s what I did. Purposely tried to hurt and shame her and put her down. Now that hurts me. Because anyone who knows us or knows our friendship…knows that for 25 years I have adored this person. Worshipped the ground she walked on. I had always wanted to be just like her…looked up to her…copied everything she did as we grew up. Three years apart, but if our lives don’t mirror each other…my twins don’t look alike.

So now I see that maybe I should have just shut up. Even though she wanted my opinion…I maybe should have limited it to that phone conversation and forgot about it. After all, it is her life and her choices. But I love her. So much and I hurt to see her hurt.

She is my best friend. And always will be.

Pray for us that we will resolve this and be friends again.