Thursday, June 01, 2006

I Still Love Her

I think we blog because we want someone to listen to us. Like we have things to say but no one to listen to them. Or even we have things to say that we have said before yet we wish to tell the story again. Once you find someone who listens to everything…the need to blog frequently changes.”

That was something I said to Scribe on Sunday. I started blogging almost two years ago. It was suggested by someone who used to listen to me but didn’t have the time anymore so I was introduced to Blogspot as a substitute. No, it wasn’t actually said that way…but now in retrospect, I realize that was a nice way of shutting me up.

There have been times before when I have stifled. When people would look at me strange for blurting out “fun facts” as I call them. Often I have been called a know-it-all….or as Leelee affectionately calls me “The Oracle”. When she says it…it don’t bother me…because she’s a Doctor…so we already know she’s brilliant. But my whole life I have been labeled “the smart one”, “the nerd’, even a snob.

And it’s true to some degree. There are times when I know I should step back and let someone else explain something. And I don’t. Or when I should stop parrying with my words when I know the opponent can’t keep up. But I don’t. Heck there are probably times when I should just shut up. But I can’t.

As a result, sometimes I turn into a bit of a recluse. I don’t call my friends and family as often as I should. And because I pour out anything interesting that I want to say onto this blog…I don’t feel like I should have to repeat stories over and over. I have a large family. To tell everyone about Scribe and my plans and the kids and oh just this that and the other thing…it would take me all month to tell one story. So I don’t bother.

But then I do pour out pure thought onto this page. Sometimes I think about the feelings of the people I occasionally reference. Most of the time I don’t. I say exactly how I feel and what my innermost personal opinions are on every matter. I would say 90% of the time…I focus solely on myself and how I want to change myself to be a better person. I was raised with strict morals. I rebelled quite a bit…but in the event of some life altering decision…I always end up coming back to my upbringing.

Somehow I am losing where I’m going with this but stay with me.

Currently, I am not speaking to my best friend in the whole world. I have talked about our escapades before. Cried about her moving away. Rejoiced in her successes. But because I voiced my opinion about one particular choice (which she asked for advice), she is hurt and angry. However, I will admit I did it in a sneaky way. I couldn’t seem to get through to her on the phone. I tried my best to get her to see reason in the situation she was facing and the consequences. I couldn’t get through to her. What I ended up doing was thinking about what was really her decision and decided I would blog about what I would do if I were in her shoes. The situation she faced was one that I faced a couple of times. Sometimes I made the right choice. Most times I didn’t. And those times that I chose wrong….well they ended up hurting me. I kinda wanted her to avoid that. I also wanted to make an affirmation that I wouldn’t do that particular thing again and save myself time, trouble and hurt.

Matthew 7:5
Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother's eye.

How could I say anything to her if I didn’t first change myself? I had already somewhat changed but it was important to me to do as I have been doing for the past year and ….blog it, put it down on paper…and live up to what I stated I was going to do. This may not always work…and I could be called a hypocrite for all of the times I said I would leave the Lion alone and I didn’t…But I was determined that I would have to change…and then she would see I was right.

Well she took that blog piece as a condemnation on her life. Although simple emails escalated into a full fledged grudge, I thought after 2 months we would be able to reconcile. After all, we have been friends for a quarter of a century.

Nope…she still mad.

It strikes me as strange somewhat…considering she had never been one to bite her tongue to me. How when she would voice her opinions, whether I wanted to listen to them or not, I would listen or fight back…but never give up on her. I knew that sometimes she was right and just as often she was wrong…but the bottom line was she loved me. I knew that it was never done out of malice although sometimes it cut to the quick.

The sad part is that she thinks that’s what I did. Purposely tried to hurt and shame her and put her down. Now that hurts me. Because anyone who knows us or knows our friendship…knows that for 25 years I have adored this person. Worshipped the ground she walked on. I had always wanted to be just like her…looked up to her…copied everything she did as we grew up. Three years apart, but if our lives don’t mirror each other…my twins don’t look alike.

So now I see that maybe I should have just shut up. Even though she wanted my opinion…I maybe should have limited it to that phone conversation and forgot about it. After all, it is her life and her choices. But I love her. So much and I hurt to see her hurt.

She is my best friend. And always will be.

Pray for us that we will resolve this and be friends again.

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