Friday, August 05, 2005

Let's Play Doctor

This is personal….

Yall may have noticed Sassywow in my comments sections. She is one of my best friends. Funny as hell too. I got her to create her own blog due to her frustration with life.

So we talk about matter how gross and we happened upon the following topic.

Cleaning up your man

In every relationship I have had, the dude needed some type renovation project. In no way am I perfect and I’m sure that unbeknownst to me, I may have been somebody else’s project. But I’m not talking about me…I’m talking about some of these men. My mom used to spend hours on Sunday mornings plucking out my father’s ingrown hairs in his beard. She took care of the whole family’s feet way past the age when we could do it for ourselves. To this day, people still request her for dermatological services.

I thought about it and I’ve done my years of constant doctoring too:

Dermatologist: There was the Indian. He loved to wear moccasins. Damn if I didn’t get ragged on about that. But I was young. He had beautiful eyes and horrible skin. Brother squeezed his nose once and it looked like Play-Do coming out of the Pasta Playset. I spent hours with Noxema and alcohol.

Orthopedist: The Hebrew Israelite had the sweetest personality and the worst toenails I had ever seen. After months of socks being worn to bed, I asked to see what was wrong with his feet. Nails curled into his damn skin. Why do men let they nails grow so damn long? But I chalked it up to no foot training and I jumped out of bed to get the industrial sized clippers and went to work.

Pus-ologist: This was the worse job of all. This gets real gross. The removal of pus is a real disgusting activity. It comes in a variety of nasty shades and has a distinctive smell. The Angry Dwarf had a pus problem. Wondering why he always wore a t-shirt to bed, I pulled it off one night. I had the silly idea of running my hands through chest hair. No chest hair. But a mass of bumps filled with blackheads. I had never seen anything like it and I know they don’t categorize that shit. (if someone knows the name of this ailment, please tell me). But me, being sweet ass Diva, cooed “Let me help you Daddy”. After a year of constant maintenance, I beat the Pus. And would you guess, hiding behind all those nasty blackheads was a nice crop of hair? Funny thing was, after we broke up, he still expected both puss services….couldn’t ask the new chick to remove the pus…or even work the puss...

My girl Akiba (alias) is having first time sex with a dude she’s digging…she figures she’ll do her duty and fondle the “friends”…what she encounters is a couple of long dreadlocks hanging longer than the “friends”…

What is she to do?

I suggested playing hairstylist and getting a scissor.

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