Saturday, March 18, 2006

I'm Good, Thank You!

"I`ve been thinking of a new direction
But i have to say
I`ve been thinking about my own protection
It scares me to feel this way
What`s love got to do, got to do with it
What`s love but a sweet old fashioned notion
What`s love got to do, got to do with it
Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken?" (Tina Turner)

But Mami…ju need a mang
No I don’t Senor Cab Driver
Pero, a mang will help ju wit ju kids
Senor, what man you know helps out with kids? Especially those that are not their own. No Senor Cab Driver, I got this. I make out fine with my kids without a difference of opinion of how I should raise them.”

If you had a man, he could help you out with the bills and around the house.”
Mr. Metro North Ticket Taker, you are going to make my stomach hurt from laughing and snorting. You didn’t even mean that when you said it. Bills, maybe…a big maybe…but clean up? Ha! It’s ok… really…I make more than enough to do what I need to do and quite frankly…men cost money too.”

Well you could certainly use a man to fix things and take care of your car
Mr. Bus Driver, I put down the tiles on my floors by myself and everyone speaks of what a good job I did. I put together my own furniture and when something needs tightening…I get a screwdriver. I have had three cars and I pretty much know what I’m doing.”

Don’t you get lonely?”
Well Mr. Fine Co-Worker, I do. Briefly. Like 30 seconds worth. I’m busy as hell. Between the twins, work, church….I am lucky to get 5 hours of sleep per night. So I really don’t have time to think about what’s missing…I have to worry about what I need to do next.”

I am friendly person. Most of you know that already. Men usually. I have an open face, and I guess my personality is one that invites conversation. And that’s ok…cause I love to talk. But the conversation inevitably turns to a discussion as to why I don’t have a man or husband. The weird part is that when I say I’m happy to be single, people always try to point out what I’m lacking by not having one. That I can’t possibly go through life without having a man by my side. That I am deficient in my own abilities and can only function in this world with a man’s assistance.

What they don’t understand is that I have already added up the costs. I haven’t had a boyfriend since Raw. That’s a lot of time. There were brief interludes since then…but no full time man. In that time I have managed to focus on myself and my children. I finished college. I woke up out of my financial funk and straightened out my credit. I have learned hard lessons and have become a little wiser about the choices I made.

I also know that I couldn’t have done any of this with a full time man in my life. I am a sucker for love. There I’ve said it. And it has been true since I was 4 years old and I gave one of my diamond stud earrings to little Tyrone in my pre-school…because I loved him. When I am in love, nothing else matters. I neglect almost everything around me for that love. I focus on the man that I am with…thinking of ways to please him, take care of him, entertain him.

But while single, I don’t have to worry about a man getting upset that I wanted to blog with yall for hours.

Or getting mad because I change my mind 5 times in 5 minutes…always analyzing and figuring out the best way to make the most out of my time.

I can watch whatever I want…whenever I want….how ever I want.

I can be naked in my house without an observer.

I can decide if I feel like cooking…without worrying about any other stomachs than the twins’.

Those nights when I had to bang out a 7 page paper that was due the very next morning…I didn’t have worry about a man’s penis’ feelings being hurt because I just didn’t have an hour to serve it’s needs.

I don’t have to worry when I take communion…that I was sexing in 6 different positions last night with a man that I really don’t want to marry…but he’s good enough for right now.

Right now I’m focused. I no longer look at a man and say:

“Oh he’s good for right now”

“Girl, I ain’t trying to marry the man…I just need to use him for a while”

“I have needs…”

(Edit...with my apologies) Like now that we are in our thirties…is that really all that’s left to need? And how our views of men have changed almost to a similar version of how men speak about us? That we are all objects…to be used and discarded.

That’s not nice. That’s not fair.

I said those things before…without regard as to how it might sound to those around me.
But now I hear them and I cringe. It makes me feel sad. That someone (including me) would think that a brief interlude in the sack with someone that is not attached to you for any other reason than momentary release…would somehow make you feel better. Make you feel whole for a moment in time.

That’s why I’m whole now.

Honey (from last fall) was very incomplete. Although I could have worked with him as far as economically, his mental and emotional issues were too much for me to bear. He had things that happened to him and instead of trying to work out how he felt about the past, he self medicated with legal and illegal substances. He wasn’t whole. He had to go.

I enjoy my own company so much that I almost don’t want to share it with anyone else. Diva is a lot of fun! I love to spend as much time with her as I can. Having DJ equipment, 4 computers, a slamming stereo system, big TV with every channel on cable plus the DVR, hundreds of books, hobbies such as knitting, and crocheting, sewing and yes even paint by numbers sets. And we can’t forget the Playstation with my role playing games like Final Fantasy 7-10…I have a lot to bring me enjoyment without needing to play with a little piece of muscle.

What I would like is company. To enjoy these things with me. To Talk to me. Massage my back. Discuss politics and world events and God and the Bible. But there isn’t enough room for that now. I don’t have the time or the energy. I work 6 days a week so that I can save the $20,000 I will need by next June. So that I can buy my house and land. And in-ground pool. For my babies.

But I do have someone I been kinda seeing for the last 3 weeks. We went to dinner and we speak everyday for a few minutes. I see him a coupla times a week. We haven’t been anymore physical than a hug and peck on the cheek and we focus more on discovering each other mentally. He is aware that I am saved and that he will not be getting anything in the way of sexual gratification. Yet we are still making plans to do things including me accompanying him to a wedding in May where he will be the best man. A wedding where the bride and groom have waited 2 years and will not have sex until their wedding night.

It can be done. If you do it the right way.

So all you Misters….don’t feel sorry for me that I’m not in a relationship filled with doubt, deceit, drama and all the rest of the d’s like disrespect etc…

I got this….

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